(This article is from Oct. 2011. None of my opinions have changed.)
As everyone on the internet knows, Steve Jobs died earlier this month. Even people who don’t use Apple products have been writing tribute articles, and in three out of my four mostly unrelated classes at school, he has been fellated in some way. I listened to my scholarship writing teacher(yes, I know it’s not a real class, go away) rant about him for a half an hour, which helped me in no way at all to write a paper. I watched a not-so-cleverly disguised 60 Minute piece in Psychology class about how the iPad is helping people with autism communicate, and the term “iPad” was mentioned no less than 7,242 times in 14 minutes. Well, I’m here to document his legacy in my own way, so herein lies my opinion on the two items that some people have said have changed our lives and improved society, the iPod/iPhone and iPad.
Let’s consider what the iPad and iPod are. They’re tablets. That’s all. They are name-brand tablets. One fits in your pocket, one doesn’t. Oh yeah, and one of them is a phone too, except the phone is fatter and even the Dollar Tree has cases for it. They’re just like many other tablets, except with unique features exclusive to Apple tablets. Features like the App Store, a one-stop shop for apps and crap. Don’t want to use it? Too bad. Another humanity-saving feature is iTunes. What do you mean you don’t want to use a clunky program to manage your music on the go? You can’t make playlists with it on your iPod, just on your PC. And if you want to use a different program to manage your music, one that doesn’t spam you with ads, or try to run in the background all the time like some fucking sneaky Hamburglar virus, too bad. Only most other mp3 players, most of which are significantly cheaper, allow that. Tough titties, I know, but dragging and dropping music filed onto your mp3 player through a retardedly simple process is decidedly not hip. Also, the only outward projecting buttons on the devices are the power and volume buttons. If you want to change the song you’re listening to without stopping everything you’re doing, you’d better be a world champion half-ass part-time bike commuter like myself.
My favorite feature about these tablets, though, has to be the lack of expandable memory. This was understandable when you were sporting that one gig iPod Shuffle that was the size of a Now and Later. Now we have tablets the size of flapjacks, and there’s still no expandable memory. What do you mean 32 gigs isn’t enough? Shut up, fool! You just need to buy a bigger one. You’re just going to have to deal with putting all your Britney Spears songs on one iPad and all your Kesha remixes on the other one. How people have apparently never been bothered by this is beyond me, but I’m also not an Apple slappie, or a Slapple as I refer to them.
Perhaps you’ve noticed that I omitted the Mac. Well, that’s because I don’t care. Did Microsoft steal all their ideas? Maybe. I’m too lazy to look it up. I’ve always used PCs, if that makes me an evil communist then so be it. The only times I’ve dealt with using a Mac have been when forced to at laserpoint in a classroom of only Macs. They feel unintuitive and clunky. Sure, everything is shiny and nice-looking, but it’s shiny poo. The tracking on the mouse sucks. Also, who the hell puts the right click button on the keyboard!? Want to upgrade at some point? …Yeah, you know what to do. Macs blow.
Steve Jobs was a guy who made things that people wanted, but didn’t really need. That’s all. No more, no less. He’s no different in a sense than Larry Flynn or Dave Thomas. Does that mean that I prefer them over him? Not at all. Anyone who actually pays for pornography instead of pirating it on the internet is a sucker, and I don’t like the chicken found in Wendy’s dollar menu. It tastes like a piece of cardboard that has been used to forcefully wipe someone’s ass. No, I like my iPod, but it’s stupid to pretend that being able to play Angry Birds on the toilet while playing Angry Turds makes me a more complete person. It doesn’t. It’s merely an expensive trinket that makes life slightly more convenient.
It may not be fair to blame Steve Jobs for all of the shortcomings of these products, and if you think that, you’re correct. It’s not. It’s undoubtedly taken hundreds of people developing these products over years of time to get them to where they are(or aren’t) today. However, how often do those hundreds of people get credit? People only mention Steve Jobs. Well, if it’s fair to give one person all the credit, is it not also fair to give one person all the blame?
In conclusion, Steve Jobs was very smart, apparently obsessed with aesthetics, he made a bunch of stuff people liked, made a bunch of money, then died. Sucks he’s dead but I think we’ll be fine whether or not Apple survives or not. In the meantime I’ll pay tribute to him by continuing to use my iPod, because I like it, but I’m going to use alternatives to the App Store and iTunes, because I don’t like those and my iPod is jailbroken anyway. The end.