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Automatic Dryers Blow

This is another old article with pictures that are MIA. I’ll edit it when I find them, regardless go on ahead and read. You’re already here, you might ass swell.


I haven’t made any articles in a while. Fear not, I haven’t lost my rage against stupid things in society. If anything, I haven’t been able to type, or do much of anything, because I’ve been in a rage coma from all the gobblegook malarkey flying around.

No, I’m a cynic, I’m always finding things that seem off. “Conveniences” if you will. Like paper towel dispensers. Remember when you just grabbed a paper towel? Like, you need to dry your hands, here’s a paper towel, GRAB THAT SHIT. Maybe there was some stupid spiky knob on the side that you had to fumble with to get towels while it cut the hell out of your hand. I don’t know, I’m not you. That worked for the time. Then, they thought that it wasn’t good enough, wasn’t environmentally friendly enough. They needed something else. So they came up with this:

No, that’s not someone holding their hands out to catch a fart out of some robot’s square ass. It’s an air dryer. Using…air, to…dry your hands. What a great concept. Unfortunately, it sucks. You’ve seen them, you’ve used them. They suck. They take FOREVER. I know no one’s watching, but I feel like a moron waving my damned hand around waiting for the hot air to come on. It doesn’t come on, though. It called in sick, so Mr. Asshole cold air is filling in. The guy no one likes. He just makes the water on your hands feel colder, and then after thirty seconds or maybe a minute, your hands aren’t dry, but they’re not wet either. Just damp, because he pushed most of the water off of your hands and left the rest. What a slacker. Then you wipe your hands on your pants and move on.

I guess I can deal with that, it helps the planet. Trees love it. But then they had to go and fuck it up. An automatic paper towel dispenser? What the hell is the point of that? What, I can’t grab my own paper towels? They think I’m some infant that needs to be spoonfed trees? Just stick out a towel and let me grab it. I feel even stupider using one of these bastards, because one towel is never enough. You wave your hand over it like an idiot, it slowly craps out one brown towel, then you take it, feel unsatisfied, and repeat the process to get another one. I always seem to have to touch the dispenser, so it’s pointless. Let’s kill trees and use electricity. Let’s not let people who JUST washed their hands touch the paper towel machine, it’s not like they’re clean or anything. Let’s make people struggle with it, and make them out of clear plastic, so they can see the towels but can’t get them. Like the fucking Pikachu doll in the crane game that you always wanted as a kid but could never get because there was no directional pad on the vending machine and your mom thought the five dollars you’d wasted trying to get it was enough. Who invented such a thing? People like that should be put to sleep.

Let’s backtrack a bit. No, not to automatic toilets. I got no beef with those. Well, maybe it depends on what I’ve been eating, but I digress. I’m glad I don’t have to touch public toilet handles now. No, I mean the sink. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I can’t figure out the point of having a timed faucet. I push down the button, get some soap, start washing my hands…it turns off. I sigh, push down the handle again, start washing…it stops again. What’s going on? Is this Candid Bathroom? Someone is peeking through the wall and laughing their ass off at me? I’m taking three minutes to wash my hands and getting the handle all slimy.

Even worse are the ones that require you to HOLD DOWN the knob on the back of the faucet while you wash your hand. DURRR LOOK AT ME I CAN’T WASH THE BACK OF MY HAND HURRRR. What a bunch of bullshit! It’s impossible, you can’t do that shit with two hands. Who did they design that shit for, Goro from Mortal Kombat? Anyone with two hands can’t efficiently wash their hands one at a time. You just give up and wipe your slimy, soapy hands on whatever you can find.

What a waste of time. Even just fucking around with this for one minute a day more than you would otherwise is 365 minutes, and let’s say times 75 years, supposing you live to 80 and start dealing with this shit at 5. That’s 27,375 minutes. 456.25 hours. 19.0111abunchofnumbers days. That’s like taking a vacation to Hell. Not even hell, at least there are things going on in Hell. No, that’s a vacation to limbo, to purgatory. Just staring at linoleum in an empty, darkly lit bathroom…waiting…wondering…sigh. Forget that nonsense! It’s all moot anyway if you wipe your balls on the way to grabbing the doorknob to get the hell out of there. Maybe I should just stop washing my hands. Like the people at the plasma place, or Arby’s. Those smug bastards.

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