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New Apartment Checklist

Here’s an old article from 2010 that was somewhat lost last time we transferred hosts. The pictures I found/made are gone, but the disgruntled heart of the article is still here, so that’s something, right? Right? RIGHT!? Exactly.


I recently moved into a new apartment. Well, when I say new, I mean new to me. What apartment is really new? Who the hell gets a new apartment? No one I know. They’re always used, damaged, yellowed, smelling of old people, pets and cigarettes and dead hookers, carpet is missing, windows are chipped, weird shit is caught in the disposal…No. There is no such thing as a new apartment.

Nonetheless, i recently moved into an apartment. It’s an exciting feeling to live relatively alone, with a sensible roommate who minds his own business the only other person in the area. No messy family to deal with, no accursed children putting pennies in my fucking PS2…but I digress. As mentioned above, there are a few things that seem to come with every apartment; a New Apartment Checklist, if you will. Here are the things I either found or needed for my apartment.

1. Candles – You need fucking candles. My apartment had the distinct aroma of cancer patient dogs in wheelchairs with open throatholes and bladder problems. Okay, perhaps I’m embellishing a little. In reality, there were probably fucking smokers, and before that, fucking lazy fools who didn’t take care of their pets. Regardless, the place smelled fucking horrible! Worse than a bum’s nutsack. The only way to counter this is candles. Lots and lots of candles. Leave them on in every room before you move in, and come back after a couple days. Best case scenario, it gets rid of the smell. Worst case scenario, one of them tips, falls over, catches the carpet on fire, burns the place down, and gets rid of the smell.

2. Unexplainable stains – There are always a few things you just can’t explain. For instance, there was a weird goo on the second shelf in the cabinet in the bathroom. Yellowed and creamy, but with a faded hue, the look is somewhat indiscernable. The smell is far worse. I don’t know what the hell makes that sort of nauseating, purifying, malicious smell. My closest conclusion was mummified Vick’s Vapor Rub. Whatever the barf it is, it’s soaked into the cheap lining of the cabinet, and there’s no humane way to get rid of it.

3. Shitty Doors – I’ve come to the conclusion that every door, at least the ones I use, are mangled in some impossibly annoying way. My bedroom door creaks itself open unless completely shut, while the bathroom door won’t stay the hell open. I have to put a jar of my Vitamin E cream that I use to get rid of my plasma nipples against it to keep it open, and then people don’t realize this and kick the fucking thing away every time they use my bathroom. Also, no less than six sliding doors were dropped on their stupid wooden or glass heads and no longer work properly. Between the laundry doors, my closet doors, and the shower doors, nothing is on the track and works right. I might as well have paintings of doors instead of real doors, it’s not like they’re worth moving.

4. Fridge Goo – Actually, by some excruciating miracle I’ve been spared from this, but in every other refrigerator in every other subpar rental place I’ve ever viewed, there are always weird stains in strange places in refrigerators. Usually it looks like a bottle of Coke Zero exploded and had sex with three month old hamburger meat. And it’s always in the back behind all the drawers and shit.

5. No Parking – There’s not a damn thing I can do about this. There’s one parking spot and two of us. There are plenty of other spots, but all the other assholes who hotdog in apartments take the visitor spots before I can get to them. Usually I work nights, so it’s like a game of Russian Roulette when I’m driving home into the complex. Will I get the bullet and be spared from this misery, finding the one spot left, or will I draw a blank and have to drive to the other side of the complex and walk over? Just thinking about it pisses me off.We just need some ramps, like those fucking Matchbox playsets kids use, or real parking garages at airports and most faceless metropolises. Stack the cars on top of one another for all I care, just give me a damn parking spot.

6. The Fly – This is undoubtedly the most annoying apartment law. There is, at any time, guaranteed to be one fly in your apartment. It’s like a gift of mediocrity, nature is congratulating you for choosing a shitty apartment. There’s probably a small bow on the fly, but you can’t see it, it’s too fucking small and fleeting. Anyway, there’s always at least one fly in the house. You didn’t buy a fly swatter, so you use a spatula or a sock or a dead fish to try and kill it. And then it’s just back the next day.

So really, there’s more than one fly. There’s always at least two flies, the other one is just hidden. I mean, flies live for a day or something stupid like that, so that’s the only option, that they have fly mates so they can fuck and make baby flies to keep your house perpetually filled with flies. It’s the only explanation. It’s not that they came in when you had the front door open and were moving in the couch or some bullshit. They’re just there. This was their house before yours, and they’re be damned if they’ll let some asshole with a jar of Ovaltine and a flat screen TV come in and pay rent and enjoy the place. They’ll commit their petty, short lives to flying around the room, landing on your head, and on the side of your cup, and stopping on a clearly visible surface so they can do that creepy act where they rub their fucking hands together. Gassing the place and committing fly genocide is the only real answer.

I hate apartments, I hate stains that I didn’t cause, and I HATE FLIES, but I signed a year lease…so I’m stuck here I guess.

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