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TMNT 2014: It’s Better Than Aliens

As many of you have probably seen by now, a new trailer has been released for the new TMNT movie with Michael Bay’s name tacked on to the executive producer list. Because who cares who directed it, right? Nevermind the fact that the director, Jonathan Liebesman, has done big hits like Wrath of the Titans and Battle: Los Angeles and Darkness Falls… Okay, so those are… bad examples. Let’s see… Oh! He also directed The Killing Room, a thriller about people who are trapped in a room and have to kill each other because, when it comes down to it, the Saw series just wasn’t enough. Liebesman is probably hoping to redeem himself by teaming up with one of Hollywood’s most hated and yet successful directors to create a reboot of a nostalgic series that will surely meet the fans’ expectations. Or so we’ve been led to believe. But you know what? That’s okay. We all have to dream about something, right? And we know what happens when you dream big (rest in peace, MLK).

"I have a dream, that one day, the Turtles will be revealed as aliens from another planet and that Michael Bay will win the Best Director in the Universe Award!" - MLK Jr., probably

“I have a dream, that one day, the Turtles will be revealed as aliens from another planet and that Michael Bay will win the Best Director in the Universe Award!” – MLK Jr., probably

That being said, the new Turtles movie has me on the fence about the whole thing. On the one hand, Michael Bay has ruined many childhoods since his film debut. On the other hand… well, let’s just say I’m a diabetic and I just lost a hand. Because I can’t figure out for the life of me how or why this was approved. First off, you have a Caucasian Shredder instead of Asian (as he always has been). Oroku Saki has become Eric Sachs. Awesome. Then you have Megan Fox playing April O’Neil. Fantastic. In every depiction, April is a busty redhead who is strong-willed and sometimes thinks she’s a Power Ranger. She is usually dynamic in every portrayal. So when you bring Megan Fox into the picture, it just kind of takes all the dynamics of April O’Neil and throws it out the window. You know who would make a great modern April? Christina Hendricks. Her acting style is so versatile, you can’t go wrong with her. Plus, she’s a natural redhead and has bigger boobage than Megan Fox.

"Oh, she fits the part for April.. but she's no Megan Fox!" - Michael Bay, probably

“Oh, she fits the part for April.. but she’s no Megan Fox!” – Michael Bay, probably

It kind of makes you wonder what Michael Bay was thinking. Oh, that’s right – he wasn’t. It was originally his idea to make the Turtles aliens from a distant turtle planet, and the Shredder as a government agent who is secretly an alien himself that can make spikes appear from his body. The name was gonna change to Colonel Schrader.

Yeah. I know.

Thankfully it has since changed and we have a new creative approach to the Turtles franchise. It may not be the traditional 30-year reign of shell-shocking antics that the Turtles have brought us, but it’s better than them being aliens. But the design has also got me a little withdrawn from the idea. Because at the end of the trailer, Michelangelo takes off his mask, and I kid you not, looks like a green Goomba from the Super Mario Brothers movie starring Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo.

"See? I told you it was just a mask!"

“See? I told you it was just a mask!”


One thing I can safely say is that, despite any hatred or ill-will towards Michael Bay, I would still go see this movie. I willingly sat through the Mario Brothers movie, as well as that god-awful TV show about two Brooklyn plumbers who are one Stooge short of a slapstick comedy show. That doesn’t mean I’d have to like it. But if I do… then so be it.

Here is the trailer for the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As always, comments and opinions are welcome.

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