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Processed Food Is Bad, Mmkay?

I’m not gonna lie – I am a skinny fat guy. There, I said it. What is that, you may ask? It’s simple really: a skinny fat guy is someone who can eat the unhealthiest of foods (much like a fat person does), but still look like he lives on a healthy diet of tasteless vegetables and lame–er, I mean lean cuisines. And that’s basically what I do – if it’s bad for me, I’ll destroy it. If it’s healthy, I’ll eat it – but my tastebuds always respond with, “Really? This is what you’re providing for us? It’s bad enough that we are talking to you right now in ways that are scientifically impossible, but the fact that we can tell what’s wrong with this picture is also astounding. Need more junk food!”

The reason why I brought this up is because I went shopping for a snack at the gas station recently and saw what can only be an April Fool’s joke. It was a bag of Ruffles crispy fries, and on the bag was a seal of authentication that they were “made with real potatoes!” Riiiight… so that was a problem before? Are there bags of crispy fries that aren’t really potatoes? What about all these candies or other snack foods with “artificial ingredients”? What the flippity flying fuck is THAT about? At what point did our foods become less natural and more… Oh, I dunno, FACTORY MADE!?

See also: 15 Scariest Food Additives – Men’s Health

I was at McDonald’s several days ago and got some fries and a couple of chicken sandwiches. I dropped a few fries in the floor of my car. That’s to be expected when you eat and drive like I do. I’m a grown man, I’ll eat wherever the fuck I want to eat. As it stands, I didn’t bother to dig them out because that’s just silly. I’m not going to risk MY life or the life of the woman driving behind me trying to put on eyeliner and talk to her BFF about why she can totally relate to the #SELFIE song currently playing on the radio. I’ll get it when I get it. But you see, the problem was that when I DID get to it, it looked as crisp and ready for nom-nom as the day it came out the fry cooker. And I’m not scientist or food expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s not natural. At least their salads aren’t that bad, right?


Except the crackhouse can tell you what ingredients went into their product..

Except the crack house can tell you what ingredients went into their product..

 It doesn’t help that the healthier the food is, the more expensive it is. Why do you think the McDonald’s Dollar Menu is so cheap? Nothing on there is even close to being good for the human body. Let alone the fact that the meat is just some pink sludge of some mystery substance. But it’s cheaper to make than a factory-grown cow, right? Same with the chicken. I mean, we ALL know the chicken you consume frequently from these fast food places is mainly some growth-hormone-injected chicken with little chickadee legs and the body of an athlete on the juice. But yet we still eat it. Why? Because we’re idiots who are just trying to save a buck or two. I think deep down we all know better. Really, really deep down. Too far for us to reach.

And let’s not forget the story about Taco Bell’s beef being only 35% beef. That was scary, wasn’t it? Though I think people forgot about this video that the CEO of Taco Bell released, defending the beefiness of their product. Basically, it’s actually 88% beef and a bunch of other stuff to comprise the other 12%. But in all fairness, it’s 100% FUCKIN TASTY. I eat a lot of fast food, but my Taco Bell to McD’s ratio is like, 8:1. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. And if I were to die of a heart attack or some other horrible disease caused by an unhealthy diet, I would probably die with no regrets. Except that one time when I turned down a job offer because I was afraid of being laid off after 6 weeks… but that’s not the point.

A screenshot of the ingredients in Taco Bell's beef

A screenshot of the ingredients in Taco Bell’s beef


By the way, does anyone else find it strange that the CEO of a TexMex fast food chain is Australian?

I guess what I’m trying to get across here is this: processed food is all around us. We are no longer a nation of organic meats and veggies that find their way into our daily diet. From food additives to food substitutes (yeah, I’m looking at you, Oscar Mayer), our food is just shoved in our faces; not because of what’s in it, but because of what it will taste like. We believe that if it looks like cherry, tastes like cherry, and smells like cherry, it must be cherry. Except it isn’t. It’s an artificial flavor. So instead of that delicious cherry flavor you were hoping for in your BlowPop, what you’re actually getting is a thing called “esters“, which are a compound made of several chemicals to mimic a flavor. Not sure why the cherries were absent that day, but surely they have a good excuse as to why my body is now filled with chemicals instead of that delicious cherry flavor I so desperately desire.*

*Note: I actually don’t like cherries, and don’t care much for cherry flavor. But it’s very common and therefore used as my example. Get over it.

Again, I can’t complain too much. I eat like a fat guy at a buffet, and artificial or not, processed or not, I still shove it down my throat and into my digestive system. Until my body rejects it the way most people experience, I will keep doing it. I know it’s bad for me. You know it’s bad for you. But you know what? I’m here to help. Send your greasy, nasty-ass processed food my way while you munch on your hipster salad. I know the risks, and I’m willing to take one for the team. Help me help you.

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