TMNT 2014: It’s Better Than Aliens

As many of you have probably seen by now, a new trailer has been released for the new TMNT movie with Michael Bay’s name tacked on to the executive producer list. Because who cares who directed it, right? Nevermind the fact that the director, Jonathan Liebesman, has done big hits like Wrath of the Titans and Battle: Los Angeles and Darkness Falls… Okay, so those are… bad examples. Let’s see… Oh! He also directed The Killing Room, a thriller about people who are trapped in a room and have to kill each other because, when it comes down to it, the Saw series just wasn’t enough. Liebesman is probably hoping to redeem himself by teaming up with one of Hollywood’s most hated and yet successful directors to create a reboot of a nostalgic series that will surely meet the fans’ expectations. Or so we’ve been led to believe. But you know what? That’s okay. We all have to dream about something, right? And we know what happens when you dream big (rest in peace, MLK).

"I have a dream, that one day, the Turtles will be revealed as aliens from another planet and that Michael Bay will win the Best Director in the Universe Award!" - MLK Jr., probably

“I have a dream, that one day, the Turtles will be revealed as aliens from another planet and that Michael Bay will win the Best Director in the Universe Award!” – MLK Jr., probably

That being said, the new Turtles movie has me on the fence about the whole thing. On the one hand, Michael Bay has ruined many childhoods since his film debut. On the other hand… well, let’s just say I’m a diabetic and I just lost a hand. Because I can’t figure out for the life of me how or why this was approved. First off, you have a Caucasian Shredder instead of Asian (as he always has been). Oroku Saki has become Eric Sachs. Awesome. Then you have Megan Fox playing April O’Neil. Fantastic. In every depiction, April is a busty redhead who is strong-willed and sometimes thinks she’s a Power Ranger. She is usually dynamic in every portrayal. So when you bring Megan Fox into the picture, it just kind of takes all the dynamics of April O’Neil and throws it out the window. You know who would make a great modern April? Christina Hendricks. Her acting style is so versatile, you can’t go wrong with her. Plus, she’s a natural redhead and has bigger boobage than Megan Fox.

"Oh, she fits the part for April.. but she's no Megan Fox!" - Michael Bay, probably

“Oh, she fits the part for April.. but she’s no Megan Fox!” – Michael Bay, probably

It kind of makes you wonder what Michael Bay was thinking. Oh, that’s right – he wasn’t. It was originally his idea to make the Turtles aliens from a distant turtle planet, and the Shredder as a government agent who is secretly an alien himself that can make spikes appear from his body. The name was gonna change to Colonel Schrader.

Yeah. I know.

Thankfully it has since changed and we have a new creative approach to the Turtles franchise. It may not be the traditional 30-year reign of shell-shocking antics that the Turtles have brought us, but it’s better than them being aliens. But the design has also got me a little withdrawn from the idea. Because at the end of the trailer, Michelangelo takes off his mask, and I kid you not, looks like a green Goomba from the Super Mario Brothers movie starring Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo.

"See? I told you it was just a mask!"

“See? I told you it was just a mask!”

 

One thing I can safely say is that, despite any hatred or ill-will towards Michael Bay, I would still go see this movie. I willingly sat through the Mario Brothers movie, as well as that god-awful TV show about two Brooklyn plumbers who are one Stooge short of a slapstick comedy show. That doesn’t mean I’d have to like it. But if I do… then so be it.

Here is the trailer for the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As always, comments and opinions are welcome.

[vsw id=”nCjsWpM9zFU” source=”youtube” width=”425″ height=”344″ autoplay=”no”]

Automatic Dryers Blow

This is another old article with pictures that are MIA. I’ll edit it when I find them, regardless go on ahead and read. You’re already here, you might ass swell.

 

I haven’t made any articles in a while. Fear not, I haven’t lost my rage against stupid things in society. If anything, I haven’t been able to type, or do much of anything, because I’ve been in a rage coma from all the gobblegook malarkey flying around.

No, I’m a cynic, I’m always finding things that seem off. “Conveniences” if you will. Like paper towel dispensers. Remember when you just grabbed a paper towel? Like, you need to dry your hands, here’s a paper towel, GRAB THAT SHIT. Maybe there was some stupid spiky knob on the side that you had to fumble with to get towels while it cut the hell out of your hand. I don’t know, I’m not you. That worked for the time. Then, they thought that it wasn’t good enough, wasn’t environmentally friendly enough. They needed something else. So they came up with this:

No, that’s not someone holding their hands out to catch a fart out of some robot’s square ass. It’s an air dryer. Using…air, to…dry your hands. What a great concept. Unfortunately, it sucks. You’ve seen them, you’ve used them. They suck. They take FOREVER. I know no one’s watching, but I feel like a moron waving my damned hand around waiting for the hot air to come on. It doesn’t come on, though. It called in sick, so Mr. Asshole cold air is filling in. The guy no one likes. He just makes the water on your hands feel colder, and then after thirty seconds or maybe a minute, your hands aren’t dry, but they’re not wet either. Just damp, because he pushed most of the water off of your hands and left the rest. What a slacker. Then you wipe your hands on your pants and move on.

I guess I can deal with that, it helps the planet. Trees love it. But then they had to go and fuck it up. An automatic paper towel dispenser? What the hell is the point of that? What, I can’t grab my own paper towels? They think I’m some infant that needs to be spoonfed trees? Just stick out a towel and let me grab it. I feel even stupider using one of these bastards, because one towel is never enough. You wave your hand over it like an idiot, it slowly craps out one brown towel, then you take it, feel unsatisfied, and repeat the process to get another one. I always seem to have to touch the dispenser, so it’s pointless. Let’s kill trees and use electricity. Let’s not let people who JUST washed their hands touch the paper towel machine, it’s not like they’re clean or anything. Let’s make people struggle with it, and make them out of clear plastic, so they can see the towels but can’t get them. Like the fucking Pikachu doll in the crane game that you always wanted as a kid but could never get because there was no directional pad on the vending machine and your mom thought the five dollars you’d wasted trying to get it was enough. Who invented such a thing? People like that should be put to sleep.

Let’s backtrack a bit. No, not to automatic toilets. I got no beef with those. Well, maybe it depends on what I’ve been eating, but I digress. I’m glad I don’t have to touch public toilet handles now. No, I mean the sink. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I can’t figure out the point of having a timed faucet. I push down the button, get some soap, start washing my hands…it turns off. I sigh, push down the handle again, start washing…it stops again. What’s going on? Is this Candid Bathroom? Someone is peeking through the wall and laughing their ass off at me? I’m taking three minutes to wash my hands and getting the handle all slimy.

Even worse are the ones that require you to HOLD DOWN the knob on the back of the faucet while you wash your hand. DURRR LOOK AT ME I CAN’T WASH THE BACK OF MY HAND HURRRR. What a bunch of bullshit! It’s impossible, you can’t do that shit with two hands. Who did they design that shit for, Goro from Mortal Kombat? Anyone with two hands can’t efficiently wash their hands one at a time. You just give up and wipe your slimy, soapy hands on whatever you can find.

What a waste of time. Even just fucking around with this for one minute a day more than you would otherwise is 365 minutes, and let’s say times 75 years, supposing you live to 80 and start dealing with this shit at 5. That’s 27,375 minutes. 456.25 hours. 19.0111abunchofnumbers days. That’s like taking a vacation to Hell. Not even hell, at least there are things going on in Hell. No, that’s a vacation to limbo, to purgatory. Just staring at linoleum in an empty, darkly lit bathroom…waiting…wondering…sigh. Forget that nonsense! It’s all moot anyway if you wipe your balls on the way to grabbing the doorknob to get the hell out of there. Maybe I should just stop washing my hands. Like the people at the plasma place, or Arby’s. Those smug bastards.

I Hate Potatoes in Soup

I’m not really a huge fan of potatoes, but I eat them on occasion.  A lot of people seem to like them. I’m also not too keen on soup, but I’ll eat it when I get sick(which is rare, I was created in a lab so I never get sick) to go along with the illusion of that particular food somehow magically making me better. Soup and potatoes. Two things that are okay on their own. What happens when you put them together? They suck.

Potatoes in soup is bullshit. Like, what’s the point? Potatoes are only good if they have three pounds of cheese, sour cream and bacon bits on them, or if they’ve been sauteed in butter or something like that. In soup they’re like giant fucking icebergs, just getting in the way of everything. Have you ever had a can of clam chowder that didn’t have HUGE potatoes in it? Maybe if the potatoes in soup were small like the chicken and that other fun crap, they’d be okay, but they’re not. Not counting the actual soup liquid itself, potatoes take up roughly 99% of any soup can they’re in.

It’s not just that they’re huge and annoying, they’re also basically flavorless. What happens when you eat a massive chunk of potato earth in soup? Maybe the outside kind of tastes like whatever it’s in, but the inner potato doesn’t absorb the flavor. It’s fucking boring, and yet you have to get rid of that bastard to get to everything else.

So why do they put so many giant potatoes in soup? I have no idea. Probably to put less of the stuff people actually like in it. Maybe they’re still amending for any previous Irish Potato Famines. It’s bullshit regardless. We all need to write our local senators and tell them to tell the governors to make youtube videos that ask newspeople to talk to Congress and ask the President to have a fireside chat with a local distributor for Campbells, who then can talk to his boss, who can talk to his boss, who can talk to her boss, who can talk to whatever asshole owns the company and tell them nonchalantly that a couple people don’t like potatoes in their soup.

It’s that, or avoid any soup with potatoes in it, which leaves us with…chicken noodle, cream of mushroom, and cream of chicken. Oh, and french onion. Fuck. Forget it.

New Apartment Checklist

Here’s an old article from 2010 that was somewhat lost last time we transferred hosts. The pictures I found/made are gone, but the disgruntled heart of the article is still here, so that’s something, right? Right? RIGHT!? Exactly.

 

I recently moved into a new apartment. Well, when I say new, I mean new to me. What apartment is really new? Who the hell gets a new apartment? No one I know. They’re always used, damaged, yellowed, smelling of old people, pets and cigarettes and dead hookers, carpet is missing, windows are chipped, weird shit is caught in the disposal…No. There is no such thing as a new apartment.

Nonetheless, i recently moved into an apartment. It’s an exciting feeling to live relatively alone, with a sensible roommate who minds his own business the only other person in the area. No messy family to deal with, no accursed children putting pennies in my fucking PS2…but I digress. As mentioned above, there are a few things that seem to come with every apartment; a New Apartment Checklist, if you will. Here are the things I either found or needed for my apartment.

1. Candles – You need fucking candles. My apartment had the distinct aroma of cancer patient dogs in wheelchairs with open throatholes and bladder problems. Okay, perhaps I’m embellishing a little. In reality, there were probably fucking smokers, and before that, fucking lazy fools who didn’t take care of their pets. Regardless, the place smelled fucking horrible! Worse than a bum’s nutsack. The only way to counter this is candles. Lots and lots of candles. Leave them on in every room before you move in, and come back after a couple days. Best case scenario, it gets rid of the smell. Worst case scenario, one of them tips, falls over, catches the carpet on fire, burns the place down, and gets rid of the smell.

2. Unexplainable stains – There are always a few things you just can’t explain. For instance, there was a weird goo on the second shelf in the cabinet in the bathroom. Yellowed and creamy, but with a faded hue, the look is somewhat indiscernable. The smell is far worse. I don’t know what the hell makes that sort of nauseating, purifying, malicious smell. My closest conclusion was mummified Vick’s Vapor Rub. Whatever the barf it is, it’s soaked into the cheap lining of the cabinet, and there’s no humane way to get rid of it.

3. Shitty Doors – I’ve come to the conclusion that every door, at least the ones I use, are mangled in some impossibly annoying way. My bedroom door creaks itself open unless completely shut, while the bathroom door won’t stay the hell open. I have to put a jar of my Vitamin E cream that I use to get rid of my plasma nipples against it to keep it open, and then people don’t realize this and kick the fucking thing away every time they use my bathroom. Also, no less than six sliding doors were dropped on their stupid wooden or glass heads and no longer work properly. Between the laundry doors, my closet doors, and the shower doors, nothing is on the track and works right. I might as well have paintings of doors instead of real doors, it’s not like they’re worth moving.

4. Fridge Goo – Actually, by some excruciating miracle I’ve been spared from this, but in every other refrigerator in every other subpar rental place I’ve ever viewed, there are always weird stains in strange places in refrigerators. Usually it looks like a bottle of Coke Zero exploded and had sex with three month old hamburger meat. And it’s always in the back behind all the drawers and shit.

5. No Parking – There’s not a damn thing I can do about this. There’s one parking spot and two of us. There are plenty of other spots, but all the other assholes who hotdog in apartments take the visitor spots before I can get to them. Usually I work nights, so it’s like a game of Russian Roulette when I’m driving home into the complex. Will I get the bullet and be spared from this misery, finding the one spot left, or will I draw a blank and have to drive to the other side of the complex and walk over? Just thinking about it pisses me off.We just need some ramps, like those fucking Matchbox playsets kids use, or real parking garages at airports and most faceless metropolises. Stack the cars on top of one another for all I care, just give me a damn parking spot.

6. The Fly – This is undoubtedly the most annoying apartment law. There is, at any time, guaranteed to be one fly in your apartment. It’s like a gift of mediocrity, nature is congratulating you for choosing a shitty apartment. There’s probably a small bow on the fly, but you can’t see it, it’s too fucking small and fleeting. Anyway, there’s always at least one fly in the house. You didn’t buy a fly swatter, so you use a spatula or a sock or a dead fish to try and kill it. And then it’s just back the next day.

So really, there’s more than one fly. There’s always at least two flies, the other one is just hidden. I mean, flies live for a day or something stupid like that, so that’s the only option, that they have fly mates so they can fuck and make baby flies to keep your house perpetually filled with flies. It’s the only explanation. It’s not that they came in when you had the front door open and were moving in the couch or some bullshit. They’re just there. This was their house before yours, and they’re be damned if they’ll let some asshole with a jar of Ovaltine and a flat screen TV come in and pay rent and enjoy the place. They’ll commit their petty, short lives to flying around the room, landing on your head, and on the side of your cup, and stopping on a clearly visible surface so they can do that creepy act where they rub their fucking hands together. Gassing the place and committing fly genocide is the only real answer.

I hate apartments, I hate stains that I didn’t cause, and I HATE FLIES, but I signed a year lease…so I’m stuck here I guess.

Worldwide Jobs Loss

(This article is from Oct. 2011. None of my opinions have changed.)

As everyone on the internet knows, Steve Jobs died earlier this month. Even people who don’t use Apple products have been writing tribute articles, and in three out of my four mostly unrelated classes at school, he has been fellated in some way. I listened to my scholarship writing teacher(yes, I know it’s not a real class, go away) rant about him for a half an hour, which helped me in no way at all to write a paper. I watched a not-so-cleverly disguised 60 Minute piece in Psychology class about how the iPad is helping people with autism communicate, and the term “iPad” was mentioned no less than 7,242 times in 14 minutes. Well, I’m here to document his legacy in my own way, so herein lies my opinion on the two items that some people have said have changed our lives and improved society, the iPod/iPhone and iPad.

Let’s consider what the iPad and iPod are. They’re tablets. That’s all. They are name-brand tablets. One fits in your pocket, one doesn’t. Oh yeah, and one of them is a phone too, except the phone is fatter and even the Dollar Tree has cases for it. They’re just like many other tablets, except with unique features exclusive to Apple tablets. Features like the App Store, a one-stop shop for apps and crap. Don’t want to use it? Too bad. Another humanity-saving feature is iTunes. What do you mean you don’t want to use a clunky program to manage your music on the go? You can’t make playlists with it on your iPod, just on your PC. And if you want to use a different program to manage your music, one that doesn’t spam you with ads, or try to run in the background all the time like some fucking sneaky Hamburglar virus, too bad. Only most other mp3 players, most of which are significantly cheaper, allow that. Tough titties, I know, but dragging and dropping music filed onto your mp3 player through a retardedly simple process is decidedly not hip. Also, the only outward projecting buttons on the devices are the power and volume buttons. If you want to change the song you’re listening to without stopping everything you’re doing, you’d better be a world champion half-ass part-time bike commuter like myself.

My favorite feature about these tablets, though, has to be the lack of expandable memory. This was understandable when you were sporting that one gig iPod Shuffle that was the size of a Now and Later. Now we have tablets the size of flapjacks, and there’s still no expandable memory. What do you mean 32 gigs isn’t enough? Shut up, fool! You just need to buy a bigger one. You’re just going to have to deal with putting all your Britney Spears songs on one iPad and all your Kesha remixes on the other one. How people have apparently never been bothered by this is beyond me, but I’m also not an Apple slappie, or a Slapple as I refer to them.

icrap

Perhaps you’ve noticed that I omitted the Mac. Well, that’s because I don’t care. Did Microsoft steal all their ideas? Maybe. I’m too lazy to look it up. I’ve always used PCs, if that makes me an evil communist then so be it. The only times I’ve dealt with using a Mac have been when forced to at laserpoint in a classroom of only Macs. They feel unintuitive and clunky. Sure, everything is shiny and nice-looking, but it’s shiny poo. The tracking on the mouse sucks. Also, who the hell puts the right click button on the keyboard!? Want to upgrade at some point? …Yeah, you know what to do. Macs blow.

Steve Jobs was a guy who made things that people wanted, but didn’t really need. That’s all. No more, no less. He’s no different in a sense than Larry Flynn or Dave Thomas. Does that mean that I prefer them over him? Not at all. Anyone who actually pays for pornography instead of pirating it on the internet is a sucker, and I don’t like the chicken found in Wendy’s dollar menu. It tastes like a piece of cardboard that has been used to forcefully wipe someone’s ass. No, I like my iPod, but it’s stupid to pretend that being able to play Angry Birds on the toilet while playing Angry Turds makes me a more complete person. It doesn’t. It’s merely an expensive trinket that makes life slightly more convenient.

It may not be fair to blame Steve Jobs for all of the shortcomings of these products, and if you think that, you’re correct. It’s not. It’s undoubtedly taken hundreds of people developing these products over years of time to get them to where they are(or aren’t) today. However, how often do those hundreds of people get credit? People only mention Steve Jobs. Well, if it’s fair to give one person all the credit, is it not also fair to give one person all the blame?

In conclusion, Steve Jobs was very smart, apparently obsessed with aesthetics, he made a bunch of stuff people liked, made a bunch of money, then died. Sucks he’s dead but I think we’ll be fine whether or not Apple survives or not. In the meantime I’ll pay tribute to him by continuing to use my iPod, because I like it, but I’m going to use alternatives to the App Store and iTunes, because I don’t like those and my iPod is jailbroken anyway. The end.

Why I Get Annoyed By Steelers Fans

Well, football season is upon us, which means tailgating, binge drinking, lazy boyfriends/husbands, and possibly a few missed birthdays or anniversaries. What do all of these things have in common? They’re actually the fanbase.

A Pittsburgh Fan

Sure every team is allowed to have it’s fan base. But the Pittsburgh Steelers fan base just seems like one I wish I could keep away from me. Much like the Dallas Cowboys or the NY Giants, the Steelers fanbase is comprised of Appalachian accents and lots of “hootin-n’-hollerin” whenever someone scores a touchdown for the Steelers.

But don’t ever root for another team with a Steelers fan next to you. Apparently the words “I hope [team that is not the Steelers] wins today!” is fightin’ words around these here parts. (I’m from the Appalachian region of the United States, so this is what I have to fuckin deal with…)

One way  you can look at it is that the Steelers fan base is passionate about their team. But here’s where it gets me – where I’m from is not even logical for that to be said. In other words, most of them don’t live in fucking Pittsburgh, let alone Pennsylvania itself. So imagine how painful it is for me to hear all of the excuses and praise the Steelers get from their fans whenever they lose or win a game.

Oh, we didn’t have this guy playing. We didn’t have the starting line-up like we were supposed to!

Or how about this one:

Yeah, we’re so gonna kick yer ass cuz now we got THIS guy playing!

Here’s a quick look at how I know you’re not a Pittsburgh Steeler:

It’s basic science, really. Almost foolproof.

Think of it like this: There are currently 62 members of the Steelers roster, and an estimated 7.039 billion people on this planet. Statistically speaking, 0.00000000881% of the worlds population is a Pittsburgh Steeler. That means the rest of the world is not. In turn, you are not a Pittsburgh Steeler.

When you refer to yourself as part of the Steelers, at least remember to look the part. This is acceptable:

Looks a little chilly out there.

This, however, is not:

Shaggy 2 Dope Would Be Jealous, I’m Sure

I’m not sure what’s going on there with her face. Looks like a bit of an overkill. But she just looks like the kind of person who would take offense to me saying “Steelers Suck” or “Why is your face like that?”

I’m not saying don’t be a fan. I’m just saying, don’t be a douchebag about it. Yes, we are all aware that the Steelers have 6 Superbowl championships. And the Dallas Cowboys have won 5. It’s going to end up like the New York Yankees fan base, because they have their special 27 World Series championships. Most of the Yankees fan base let those victories get to their heads and now I have to root for anyone besides them.

Come to think of it, I should have just titled this “Why Sports Fans Annoy Me”…